If you can't be bothered to train it...

While this applies to people considering parenthood, too, for this post I am talking about dog owners.  I have taken up running.  I’m training, it’s not easy, and I don’t like it.  I have a specific route mapped out through the wooded trails in my area, and right now I’m trying to go a little further along before I turn around each day.  I run past a lot of the same people every run, most of them with dogs.  I see one elderly lady nearly every single day with a giant german shepherd.  The first time I saw them, I was apprehensive, thinking, I’m way too out-of-shape to outrun a shepherd.  However, as I nervously neared, the large dog aggressively... stopped walking and sat down.  He is a well trained dog.  I have since said to the lady (panted, really, since I’m running), “I love how well-trained your dog is - that is wonderful!”

A Peek into my Daily Life

If on the highway you saw a lady biker in boots, black pants, jacket, gloves, and helmet, riding when it’s too cold for most bikers, you’d think she was tough.  But if you were to roll your windows down, and hear that she’s singing “Everybody wants to be a Cat” from the Aristocats at the top of her voice - then what would you think?   You’d have just seen me on the highway. However, if you came into where I work, having no idea what you’re looking for, and expecting me to know what it is, I’m a little different.  I recently had just such a customer who was making me nuts, and I was doing everything I could think of to help her out, to no avail.  I was really getting irritated at the time she was wasting when she said, “You’re so sweet!”.  I just smiled at her, but was thinking, “No, I’m not.  I think you suck.  I’m being paid to be nice to you.”  Is that how prostitutes feel? Days like that, when I’m extra cranky, I do google image searches for kittens.  Or kittens cuddling.  Or kittens playing.  I wonder what my boss thinks when my most frequent searches are for kittens.  Kittens just make my heart happy, rather like rumbling motorcycles do, but better. I try to take my bike to work as much as possible, even though it sounds more like a lawnmower than a motorcycle, because that open air just helps my mood.  If I’m running too late in the morning, though, I can’t take the time to put gear on.   I’m not a morning person, and have a difficult time getting out of bed and awake in the morning.  I used to have problems falling asleep in the shower and being late, but I’ve got a morning routine that minimizes that.   I usually start the morning off right by hitting the procrastinate button.  Then I have until the alarm goes off again to check email, check the weather, and, you know, snooze.  Until I got scared about amoebic brain infections, I used a neti pot each morning, too - you know, voluntarily pouring salt water up my nose, first on one side, and then the other.  The stinging is pretty good for getting the blood flowing.  Then, I used to just brush my teeth, but I’ve found that using mouthwash is key to staying awake.  I don’t use just any mouthwash, but the most potent and stinging mouthwash I could find.  The sheer awfulness of swishing for 60 seconds usually keeps me awake through the shower.   After that, I’m set to hop on the bike and sing all the way to work.  “because a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at!”

The other night I got pulled over...

The other night I got pulled over.  I was on my way home from work.  I saw the officer at a cross street and immediately checked my speed.  Since I was coming from a light, I was actually going 5 under.  He pulled out behind me onto a main street, and since I knew he was there, I kept an eye on my speed as I went down a hill I normally take pretty fast.  He was still behind me when I got to a red light where I make a right, so I was careful to come to a full and complete stop before turning right.  I turned into the near lane and signaled over to the left lane.  I was in sight of my house when the blue lights came on.   “Really?”, I thought.  I was doing everything like they teach in drivers’ ed, but nobody does once they have a license.  My seatbelt was even on, so I was wracking my brain to come up with what the problem was.  My tags were current.  Both my headlights were working.  Could it be a brake light?  I got my paperwork together, and handed it over to the officer when he asked.  He asked where I was coming from, so I was all sweet and innocent sounding when I explained, and even made sure to call him ‘sir’.   After taking my paperwork, he said, “I pulled you over because your tag light is out”.  I must have looked surprised or puzzled (but not quite polite enough) because he followed up with, “The light that illuminates your license plate?  It’s a $260 ticket”.   “Oh my goodness!  I had no idea it was out!” I exclaimed as sweetly as possible, with my eyes really wide.   “I’ll be right back”, he replied and walked back to his car.  I started to go for my phone to send a text when a second officer started talking from the passenger side.  I startled because I hadn’t even realized he was there.   He said, “We don’t mean to be jerks pulling people over for a little thing, but this is a safety issue.  Your license plate needs to be visible.”  I managed to hide my skepticism.  Safety issue, really? I thought.  A brake light or a turn signal out is a safety issue.  The tag light being out only means that if I’m running around committing real crimes in my car at night, witnesses would have a harder time writing down my plate number.  However, it increases my chances of being  pulled over afterward, so that wouldn’t be smart.  If I wanted to commit crimes in my car, I’d be better off taping something over the plate so I could remove it later and drive around in perfect compliance.   Also, did I ever mention that I drove my car with expired out-of-state plates for a year and a half and was never pulled over?  Or that now that my car is fully legal, I only drive it once a week because I have my bike?  I knew I shouldn’t tell the officer any of that, so I did some quick thinking.  Since he was trying to be nice, I thought I’d let him.  “I’m so sorry, sir – I had no idea that it was out!  Is it a light I can just pick up at Lowes?” I asked.  He recommended a place and I played dumb and sweet and asked where it was.  Then I asked how to get there.  I finished with, “Thank you very much for your help!”, and he went back to his car.   A few minutes later, the first officer came back.  He re-iterated that he could give me a $260 ticket, but said he would give me a written warning instead.  I drove off (and didn’t even have to move out of the center lane, so close was I to my turn), and thought and stewed.  They played nice, I played nice, they got closer to their quota, and I learned that where I live, they can give a $260 ticket for not having your license plate properly illuminated.   Have you ever had any strange run-ins with your local law enforcement group?  Share in the comments!

Sweet and Clever

My laundry had been sitting clean and folded in a basket for a few days, and I finally got it put in the closet.  One morning, thanks to a scale issue, I was running just barely on time.  As I showered, I mentally picked out my outfit.  I often do this, so that I can just throw it on, rather than standing for endless minutes in front of my open closet, agonizing over nothing matching.

I rushed through my morning routine, threw on my outfit, and did one last check in the mirror before going out the bedroom door.  This is a habit I’ve gotten into ever since something lacy and private was stuck to my blazer

Bridget, I Now Relate.

I now relate more fully with Bridget Jones.

I’ve found a wedding dress that I love, which fits great nearly everywhere.  The only issue is the rear, which, er, is rather snug and draws a lot of attention through the clingy fabric.  I rather like my rear, so when somebody recommended a cleansing weight loss solution that they love, I was not thrilled.  I don’t want to be any smaller - perhaps just smooooother, though...  

That’s when I started searching for Scary Knickers.  

How He Proposed (a.k.a. I'm Glad I Put Down the Jerky)

(Zaxby's cup is cropped out of this photo)

One Sunday after church, Brian asked me where I wanted to go for lunch. I said I was craving Zaxby’s.  We swung by his house, and were sitting in the car in the driveway.  Brian was being incredibly sweet and silly, and I was pretty hungry.  I am borderline hypoglycemic, and if I don’t get food when I need to, I get very cranky.  We were not getting out of the car, so after a few minutes, I said, “Why are we here again?”

My Cat is Smarter Than Your Child

My house, when I bought it, had all new Thermo-awesome windows.  You know – the super-insulated wonderful windows.  However, they were installed by an amateur, or maybe a gorilla, because the gaps around them are so big I can feel the wind blowing from inside my house.  My computer sits by double windows, and since it’s a chilly spot in winter, I have a heating pad plugged into a power strip where my monitor is plugged in.   I often turn it on while at the computer.  My cats love this, and frequently join me on the heating pad.   Sometimes I’ll turn it on just for them, when I’m not even at the computer.  At least, I used to.

Different in the South, Part 2

Another way that the south is different is the way people drive.  In Drivers Ed in WI, we were taught that a yellow light means “stop if you can safely do so”.  People occasionally went through, and teased that the light was orange, or pink, not red, but people would be pulled over for doing this (running the light, not teasing.  They aren’t listening to see if you tease before pulling you over, at least not yet)..  If you could have stopped and you didn’t, you looked around very nervously around to make sure a cop hadn’t seen it.  Here, I believe they teach that a yellow light means “GO GO GO - don’t get stuck through another light cycle - GO!”  

When I first moved down here, there were a couple of times that my light turned green, and several people were still cruising through perpendicularly.   It didn’t really dawn on me until the first time I misjudged a light, though.  It turned yellow, I decided I didn’t want to brake hard to stop, so I went.  I was wrong, and the light turned red well before I was through the intersection.  I nervously checked my mirror to see if a cop had seen this, when I noticed 3 cars behind me were also cruising through the light.  If I shouldn’t have gone, they DEFINITELY shouldn’t have.  

Don’t get me wrong, this is something I actually like about the south, and have adapted to it.  I now happily cruise through yellow lights.  In fact, if I brake for one, I check my rear view to make sure I won’t be rear-ended for stopping.  I’ve adapted to this so thoroughly, that I scared my mother half to death when I drove her around WI on a visit up there.  It only took her putting her hand on the dash and saying, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!  You gotta stop!” once, and I realized that I’d become a fully native South Carolinean stopper.  

My main vehicle is my motorcycle, and that’s another great thing about the south.  The weather lets me ride year round.  I usually have my purse strapped across me, and that’s what I carry for the day.  The other day after work, I was stopping by a friend’s house.  It was the first time I’d been over there, so I wanted to pick up a gift.  I stopped at the grocery store, and picked up a six pack of bottles of a nice beer.  I double bagged them, tied the bag to my purse, balanced it on my lap, and drove off.   I was at least half way there when I realized, with a six pack on my lap, that maybe I should stop running red lights.  I may have adapted too much.

Have you realized you may have swung too far in fitting into a new culture? Share in the comments!

Different in the South, Part 1

Things are different here in the south, but I’ve been adapting.  For one thing, there are more bugs, and they’re all bigger.  I’d written about the baby alien on my windshield, which I’ve come to believe might be some mutant variety of praying mantis.  When I first moved here, my supposedly nice apartment had a few pest issues.  One morning I was in the shower, and I opened my eyes after rinsing out shampoo to see a gigantic millipede on the floor of the tub.  

A while back, at the bookstore, a teenager in line with her mother was wearing a tiara.  I couldn’t help but ask with a smile, “What’s the occasion?”

Paying Attention

When I go shopping, which is as rare as possible, I get totally focused.  The other day after work, I rode home, switched vehicles, and ran to Evilmart to pick up some household/outdoor necessities.  I was in the half-outdoor outdoor supply area, examining two of the same product to see if there were differences.  There had been an employee in there talking with his buddy when I walked in, but I wasn’t paying them any attention.  I finally decided which to get, put it in my cart, and turned to go.  Suddenly, the employee said, ‘What are you, deaf or something?”  

What do you do when you see somebody who is worthy of the People of Walmart Hall of Fame wearing an article of clothing you also own and love?

Whoops!

You know those socks from Bath and Body works with shea butter and such in them?  My feet were feeling dry, so I thought I'd wear them today.  The pair my friend got me are fuzzy, with the non-slip dots on the bottom, and green, blue, pink, white, and red stripes.  I think they're meant to be more slipper socks, but I figured inside my boots it wouldn't be any big deal.  Some of my coworkers were joking with me about Casual Friday.  I thought it was sarcastic joking, since I'd worn a button down and black pants even though jeans are allowed.  It wasn't until I was walking across the showroom and sneezed that I saw it.

Stumped (which I used as my entry in that contest)

After many years of encountering the same question, you’d think I would have found an answer.  Even if the question were, say, “what is the gravitational pull of a black hole?”, if I were asked it a few times each week by various people, I’d probably come up with the answer.  That way I could be prepared to answer it, since it established itself as a question I’d be asked regularly.  However, I am regularly asked a specific question, and have been for years, and I have yet to figure out an appropriate and accurate answer.  

The question is,

That kind of week

Maybe I speak too quickly, or maybe I’m so tired I’m mumbling, but misunderstandings seem to be the rule lately.

I was at the bookstore job, and I answered the phone.  The customer said, “A book I ordered came in, but I don’t remember what the book is.”  I said, “That’s alright. We don’t hold the book by title, we hold it by your last name.”  I wanted to check if we really had it, since she sounded confused and unsure, so I asked, “What’s your last name?”  

“I’m not sure.  Can you tell me?”

Out of Touch

Recently at work, Mr. Owner shouted from his office, “Who’s Gregor Mendel?”  He asks questions frequently, and often without context, so that I have to guess what information he wants.  For example, he recently asked, “Where’s the big apple?”.  

Ready, Set, Un-Anonymous!!!!!

After indulging in some selective editing and revisionist history, I've decided to announce my real last name, and to let people I actually know, know about my blog.

My life is crazy, but I'll try to post weekly.  As always, I hope my life makes you laugh.

Please don't knock my art skills.  I thought a picture would express this one better than just words.  The other day, I went to the opening release of the Harry Potter movie.  I had to see it in 3D, because the normal tickets were sold out.  After getting tickets, I got up to the concessions counter, and this is what I saw in my head.

Not So Far Off

The other day, a few months ago, I was cashiering at the bookstore.  A cute customer who I’d been exchanging smiles with came through the line, and we talked and flirted a bit.  About an hour later, he walked up to the cash registers again.  I noticed he wasn’t holding any merchandise, just a business card and a pen.  I thought, “hmm, I’m going to get a phone number” with a smile.  The customer walked up, and said, “How do you spell Sean’s name?  Can you give this to him?” waving the business card. 

Distorted

Has it ever happened to you where you’re happy to see somebody posted photos of you, and you excitedly look them up - as you flip through them, with dawning horror, you realize that you look terrible in every single one?  When did I gain 20 lbs?  What is my hair doing?  My nose is taking over my entire face!  GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! 

Not Quite Up to Expectations

The back of a can of Fabreze says, ‘Like a breath of fresh air.’  Let me ask you, if suddenly all the air were sucked out of your home, would you put your mouth on the can of Fabreze and inhale?