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Monday, August 23, 2010

Why I Bought Pepper Spray

Friday evening at work, my one neighbor stopped in.  We'll call him Joe – he and his wife Sarah live 2 doors down from me.  He mowed my lawn the one time a few months ago.  He’s in his 60s, retired, plays a lot of golf.  He stopped in at the bookstore, and asked me where Ex’s been lately.  I said that he got his own apartment.   He said, ‘Oh, that’s why I haven’t seen the bike lately’.  I said, “No, actually, that’s another story – he got in an accident.”.  He said he was sorry, and headed out. 

About an hour later, he came back, having showered, shaved, and slathered on cologne.  He came up to me again, and asked, “What are you doing after work?” 
Sensing that the truth, ‘nothing’, was not the right answer here, I said, “I may go to a coworkers, and have a drink with her.” 

He said, “Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to go out to the lake with me and watch the waves roll in.”


I was a bit stunned, and that’s when I noticed all the cologne.  I said, “Um, I don’t think so, I’m really tired, I’ve been at work since 9am.  And I don’t get out of here until midnight.”

He said, “Midnight’s perfect.  Come on, I’m a good listener.”

I hesitated and ummed, and turned him down again.  He pushed again, so I said, “why don’t I just take your number, and I’ll text you after work if I’m up for it.”  That way I could end the conversation without creating a scene at work.  Unfortunately, he made a point of grasping my hand as he handed over his number.

After he left, I got some laughs out of it.  I mean, I’m unhappy, I’m not DESPERATE.  Up to that point, I’d been feeling alright about the whole Ex situation, but when a married 60 something year old asked me out, I felt a twinge of despair, like, "This is my life..."  But it was awful and funny, so my coworkers got a good laugh.  I really do get all the creepy old guys.

When we all got done with work at 10 after, we all walked out to the parking lot together.  We usually wait for everybody to have their cars running before we leave, but one of the girls got a new car, so a few people were staying really late to look at it.  I wanted to get home, so I was looking around impatiently.  That’s when I noticed my neighbor was sitting in his truck in the parking lot.  I freaked out and peeled out of there, and he didn’t follow me.  I had to get gas on the way home, so I pulled in where I could see the road.  I saw him go past a minute later as I was filling up.  Then I was in a bind – I wouldn’t be able to beat him home.  I really try not to be scared of everything, so I just headed home.

When I got to my house, I could see his truck was in his driveway.  As I pulled into my driveway, he flashed his headlights.  I just left the bike in the driveway (I normally turn it around to face out), and ran for the door.  As I was unlocking my door, I heard his car door shut.  I turned off all the lights in the house, and wouldn’t let the dog out.  The next day I bought the pepper spray.

Last night at 9:30, I heard a knock at the door, and it was him.  Thank goodness I had a friend at the house, or I wouldn’t have opened the door.  He asked how everything was, and I let him know that I had a friend over right then.  He apologized a bunch of times, and I told him that it freaked me out when he was waiting outside my work.  He apologized a bunch more, and I told him to have a nice walk (he was with his dog), and I shut the door.  It was creepy that he knocked on my door at 930 at night, even if he’d been planning to apologize before he knew I had a guest. 

Ick ick ick

Oh, and I forgot.  I was at the flea market Saturday, and they had a leather store.  I was looking at the vests and halter tops, when a female salesperson asked if I needed any help.  I said, “no, I’m just sort of browsing, I’d like a vest”.  A random 70 something year old man who was just walking past said, “You’d look good in that; you have a great body.  Hot.”  I pretty much ran out of the store.  I’m so sick of creepy old men.  I propose a two-part rule - if you're 30 or more years older than somebody, think twice before you hit on them.  And if they don't immediately respond with enthusiasm, LEAVE THEM ALONE.  Any response but "Hell Yes!" is really "Hell No!", but they don't want to be mean.


  1. Good for you - creepy men, regardless of age, have someday got to learn to get a clue when it's just about slapping you in the face :)

  2. Über creepy. (Why, yes, I'm nerdy enough that I put my computer's Character Map in the toolbar at the bottom of the screen so I have one-click access to it.)

    If there's a next time, and I hope there's not, you can always give me a call and I can come over and look mean and scary. :)