Distorted

Has it ever happened to you where you’re happy to see somebody posted photos of you, and you excitedly look them up - as you flip through them, with dawning horror, you realize that you look terrible in every single one?  When did I gain 20 lbs?  What is my hair doing?  My nose is taking over my entire face!  GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! 
I’ve had a few very nice professional photos taken in my life, and I think it’s ruined me to bar-light, beer-holding, mouth-open candid photos of myself forever. 

The other day I got new glasses.  I consider them nerdy librarian glasses – plain black plastic square frames.  These glasses made me ridiculously happy, and I fished for compliments in them all day.  I was trying to take a photo of myself with my phone so I could get more compliments from friends and family online, but I couldn’t get one I liked.  My chin and neck looked bad, then my cheeks looked weird, then my forehead looked huge.  I tried to take the photo closer, so that it would crop part of my forehead, but then it looked like I had a chipmunk face.  After taking about 20 photos and deleting them all immediately, I started to get a little scared.  I’m not the most gorgeous person on the planet, but I don’t normally consider myself unfortunate looking.  All of the photos I was trying to take, though, were turning out scarily bad.  I was just beginning to think I’d been hit with the ugly stick and had never realized it.  When my coworker teased me for taking so many photos, I took one more, and it would have definitely scared small children. Then I took my phone to the bathroom.  In the mirror, I adjusted my hair and glasses.  I made sure I had a decent facial expression, and snapped the photo.  I turned the camera around to look at it, and again, Chipmunk Face!!!  After looking from the photo to the mirror several times, I closed the phone in disgust.  If I were deluding myself about my appearance, wouldn’t I carry that delusion to my photo as well?  There had to be something wrong with the camera – the photos would have made fun-house mirror designers proud.

I wasn’t sure, though, because how I picture myself in my mind has a lot to do with how I’m feeling that day.  Sometimes, when I’m in a really happy mood, I catch a look in a mirror accidentally and go, “Whoa, I need some makeup!”  or  “When’d my hair become an afro?  Where’s a brush??”.  The mirror just doesn’t show me as I’ve been running around picturing.  Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly ugly, I’ll see myself and be pleasantly surprised.  “Hey there gorgeous, you should smile more” I tell myself.  I look way better than I’d expected!  Then I smile coyly into the mirror.  Maybe wink.  Face tilted down to the side, eyes up, “thanks for stopping by, you have a good night”